Our chat today was about relationship/agreements, and as I was reading what others were writing, there was backchat going on within me ' well, this does not pertain to me because I'm all done with that phase of my life.'
' The last thing I want is to be in a relationship, where is the time? where is the interest. I have zero interest in spending time with a man, having sex with a man, having him touch me, having to touch him.'
And what ( I'm still backchatting) having to cook for him? Spending time together? Doing what?
Meaningless pursuits of idle time?
I have not been in a relationship in over 10 years, and as I look back, in my mind, I NEVER had a decent relationship, all were wrought with conflict, I am not the easiest person to be in a relationship with because my number one character - I want to do it my way - comes out and - wants to do it her way - and I always drew my mirrors of men and myself who weren't easy to be in a relationship with.
After my last relationship, for the first few years, I was open to maybe dating, but that never happened, and as my daughter has repeatedly told me over the years - mom, you are shut down!
And now, I am not even interested!!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view relationships/agreements in a negative way, within and as a resistance character of my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base relationships/agreements as a negative experience due to participating within pictures/ memories, where in the past, my mind- based relationships were always disasters, and so from this starting point from the mind, I am determining what to expect in a relationship, instead of directing myself Here as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, even as I write this, to further engage in backchat, 'how can I be assisting and supporting of a man in a relationship when I'm still unstable, still getting to know who I am, still daily applying, investigating myself. Don't I have to establish self-intimacy first?
How can I assist and support a man's resistance to process when I am still pushing myself through my own resistance.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as the resistance to relationship character, for coming up with countless justifications as to why being in a relationship would just not work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shut down towards even investigating spending time with a man/men, because I just don't see the point in it, and from this starting point how could I possibly have anything but disasterous results, so I do not even bother.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysel to further participate within future-oriented backchatting,' What would we talk about? Wouldn't it just really be a big waste of time for me and for him?'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to further participate within backchat 'well, a lot of people as they get older become self-reliant, and do not need a partner, which is what I have come to see as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow a memory where a former boyfriend told me ' you'll always be alone, like the lone coyote', which I have accepted and allowed myself as the resistance to relationship character, to identify myself as.
I realize that this is a massive point/pattern/character within and as me, as I played this polarity game within myself where men were VERY important to me, and as how I identified myself, through my relationships with men - where I then swung to the opposite pole where men were NOT important to me, as I no longer wanted to identify myself as a woman with a man, but only as a woman who is not afraid to stand alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as this resistance character, to separate myself through participating within and as the belief that I could stand alone, on my own, my way, as in 'my life', as there is no 'my life', just The Life, and
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that participating within and as a relationship with a man, could bring up points/patterns, which need to be investigated, walked, and as such points/patterns may not come up just being on my own.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to want to face myself as mirrored by a man as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up without even investigating this point because I am accepting and allowing justifications of memories of past relationships to influence me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to STILL continue backchat 'well, where would I meet someone? How would I meet someone? Do I want to meet someone?'
I realize as I write this that I have accepted and allowed massive backchat to exist within and as me regarding this point/pattern for many years now and even writing out self-forgiveness on the point, there is still this "Resistance Character" that has many, many 'good' reasons, why not to open up to this possibility, and
As such there is much movement within me as I have never really walked this point, as I have always justified why I do not need to be in a relationship, why I do not want to be in a relationship, and I realize that just one blog is not going to put a dent in this mind-construct, that feels like chipping away at rock or armor.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as I write out self-forgiveness, to still secretly within and as backchat state 'well, I still don't want to be in a relationship, and just don't see the point of it at this time in my life.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I'm stuck on this point and that there is no resolve/solution at this time, due to my continued resistance within and as me as my mind.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I do not have to make a decision right now, as I am not presented with any possibility for a relationship, but the point of resistance within and as my mind regarding resistance to relationship, is just that, within and as me as my mind as something I have existed within and as, and it is THAT point of resistance that I must push, not going out and trying to create a relationship.
When and as I see myself accessing resistance to being in a relationship, I Stop, I Breathe, I realize that the only point of conflict is me as a made-up character of resistance based on memories of past relationships which have nothing to do with being Here within and as my body within and as the physical.
When and as I see myself coming from a starting point of the mind regarding relationships, I Stop, I Breathe, I no longer accept or allow myself as the mind to judge relationships based on the past/memories, as not only does this serve no practical purpose, but this constant participation within and as justifications only creates friction and takes the very substance of Life from my body in/as the physical.
When and as I see myself accepting and allowing the mind to take over, in backchatting, I Stop, I Breathe, I tell myself NO MORE, I will not accept or allow my mind to continue to ravage my body with this incessant chatter.
When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to look/be influenced by the mind, I Stop, I Breathe, I direct myself back to my human physical body, realizing that the mind does not hold the answers/solutions.
I realize that I did not reach this point/pattern of resistance overnight, and I realize that it will take time to push myself through this, and that I do not need to try and figure it out as that is just another mindfuck, nor do I need to look for an outcome or a solution.
So, I commit myself when and as I see myself accessing the resistance character towards relationships, I Stop, I Breathe, I will not accept or allow myself to participate within and as backchat and/or justifications as to why I should continue to exist within and as this character, as it is of the mind and as such is self-abuse and self-dishonesty and self-sabotage.
When and as I see myself accessing this resistance character who believes she has all the answers, knows what's best 'for her', I Stop, I Breathe, I refuse to be manipulated, I WILL myself to place myself HERE within and as the MOMENT within and as my human physical body.
I commit myself to continue to investigate myself through writing, seeing what I have accepted and allowed, applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective applications, directing myself to Stand up as Life as One as Equal as What is Best for All in All Ways.
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