Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Day 599 - Pillars of Support


I recently had an interesting encounter that I would like to share.  As I've stated in many other blogs, I am a caregiver and assist a 90 year old woman that lives in a semi-assisted/fully assisted/independent senior community.

My client has recently gone through a plethora of medical issues these past few months, and as I was leaving her place one of her friends stopped and asked me how she was doing.

I explained what my client's symptoms were at the moment and the response I received from this woman greatly assisted and supported ME.

Her response was 'at our age things don't get fixed they get different', and as she was talking I became aware of how calm and stable and accepting she was, and in that moment I was able to see that I wasn't!  I was sort of holding my breath and definitely engaged in energy. 

So, as the woman stood before me, I was able to take a step back within myself, breathe and slow myself down, and stabilize myself as she was standing as a pillar of support.

When we take the time to stop and share ourselves and really listen, really look into the eyes of another, it becomes very apparent that we all have so much we can learn, give/receive, support and be supported by one another in our daily lives.  It's Just That Simple.


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Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Day 598 - That's Not The Response I Was Expecting


Yesterday I went to talk with my neighbor.  I have been more active in my apartment and wanted to make sure I was not bothering her as she lives below me.

So, an interesting thing happened while talking to her.  After asking her if she could hear me more and if it was bothering her, I see/realize/understand that I had expected/anticipated her to answer in a certain way.  When she answered differently, I found myself 'trying' to manipulate the situation/her response to actualize what I 'thought' she should say.

As, I became aware of what I was doing, where I was actually talking 'at her' instead of 'to her'.  I immediately breathed and slowed down within myself.  I then stopped talking and really looked at her and listened to what she had to say.  So my actions showed me that I had a 'hidden agenda' and that my 'good will' was really just a cover-up for self-interest/self-validation, from a starting point of 'seeing' myself as the 'good neighbor', looking for approval outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'pride' myself on being a good neighbor, coming from a starting point of a positive energy mind experience, instead of seeing/realizing that being a good neighbor is not an experience of the mind, requiring positive feedback, but an actual, physical expression of doing what is best for all in every moment, breathing, being present, so as to take into consideration all aspects of one's physical surroundings. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and manipulate a conversation to reach an imaginary conclusion that I had  created in my mind before I even had the conversation in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really listen to another, but, in fact, talk 'at' someone, instead of 'to' someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself when I did not receive the response I was looking for, not realizing that I actually had a 'hidden agenda' before I ever started this conversation and that I reacted because I was coming from a starting point of self-interest, looking for approval outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to come across as being considerate and a good neighbor, yet I see/realize/understand that living those qualities are such that I can ask myself, that I can check for myself and that I do not need validation/acceptance from another, as that must come from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, while talking with my neighbor, tense up when not given the response I was expecting, actually seeing that I was holding my breath in anticipation of what I 'thought' she would say, thus feeling tense when her words were not the words I had envisioned in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look within myself before starting a conversation, making sure there was no movement within me and that my starting point was clear and I was stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead anticipate a sort of lift within myself, when being validated for my 'good neighbor' intentions, as sort of a pat on the back from another in separation of myself and another as myself, instead of looking at the situation myself, making sure that I was doing everything physically possible to be considerate of another thereby not seeking a positive energy fix for my mind.

When and as I see myself experiencing myself as the 'good neighbor', thus in separation of myself, seeking approval outside of myself,  I stop and I breathe, I bring myself back here, in real time, to myself, attending to the immediate task at hand, in specificity, calm and stable, supporting myself and thus supporting others as myself.

When and as I am seeking to have a conversation with another, I stop and I breathe, I look inside myself and make sure that I am clear and stable, thereby not trying to manipulate the conversation to an imagined outcome, just being present, communicating with another in real time, really listening to another, making eye contact, sharing of myself and accepting and allowing another to share themselves, their words, their point of view.

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Friday, March 27, 2015

Day 597 - I Did Not See This Coming - Facing the Unexpected


My work life has drastically changed over these past weeks.  That which I had established to create order in my client's life has all changed due to her recent condition which has rendered this 'planned order' null and void.

What I am faced with is the unexpected.  In other words, I did not see this coming.  I had 'in my mind', established a 'planned order' to my client's life, making sure that every detail of her life was attended to, affording her the best quality of life at her current age and physical/mental capacity, and in fact, she had been given a clean bill of health from her doctors, she was actually in a 'good place' before this recent turn of physical/mental events which ended up changing her life at this time.

As I stated in my last blog, she became physically ill which then spiraled into a mental relapse that I have not witnessed since nine years ago when I first came on this case when she was in this 'mental state'.

So, she is now hospitalized and being treated.

Facing the unexpected has definitely brought up points/patterns, to which I have had the tools of Desteni to stabilize myself, to observe myself, to see what I can do, here in the physical, to assist and support myself, my client, the family, and others assisting and supporting her in numerous capacities.

What I see/realize/understand is that one can definitely plan and organize day to day life for oneself and/or another, however, uncertainty is a fact, as one never knows what lays ahead.  All we can do for ourselves and those we assist and support is to do what we can, taking responsibility for our immediate action/reaction. Therefore, when the unexpected happens, which it will, in some form or another, we have a stable platform, we have that order in the physical, and thus can stop and breathe, look at what comes up within ourselves and immediately direct ourselves in real time to assist and support ourselves and others as ourselves to stand constant and stable as a pillar of support, because even though we may not know what will happen, we can know ourselves, we can direct ourselves.

Our Journey to Life is always a Journey into the Unknown..

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Saturday, March 7, 2015

Day 596 - Why Can't I Fix This?


The past several weeks have been 'challenging' to say the least.  Of course 'challenging' because I have accepted and allowed myself to be challenged within these set of events, to which several points have been triggered/opened up.  So, in this, I will be looking at one point in particular, anxiety/frustration.

First of all I received a message several weeks ago from my client's son at 11pm on a Sunday night that they were leaving the emergency room and she had been diagnosed with a bladder infection and a slight case of pneumonia.

Now my client is 90 years old and already has several physical and mental impairments, so this current illness/discomfort was added to her already diminished capacity.

My initial response to this message was a 'feeling' of anxiety and fear.  "Would she get better, was this life-threatening?  Many elderly people die from pneumonia." Was the backchat/internal dialogue within me.

She felt terrible that week and as time went on she started exhibiting other symptoms such as an overall weakness to which she felt like she could not walk.  So, in taking her to her regular physician that Friday, he was not pleased with the antibiotic medication which the hospital had prescribed, stating that it was too strong for someone her age.  He then prescribed a milder antibiotic.

So, throughout the week and into the next week she started exhibiting signs of extreme anxiety, fragility, fear, depression.  Now, she has a bipolar disorder that is treated with a certain medication which keeps her fairly stable.  What I was witnessing was her 'crashing', as though the antibiotic or the infection itself was interfering with her medication, rendering her highly symptomatic.

Now, the interesting thing is that as I observed her becoming more and more anxious to the point of becoming manic, I took on that anxiety. While I was with her I used my breath and voice tonality to assist and support her, yet when I was away from her I participated in backchat 'will she recover from this?' 'will she receive the help she needs in time?' will she continue in this downward spiral and not be able to recover?'  I also found myself feeling frustrated in regard to the whole situation and to the fact that I could not do anything to alleviate her suffering.

She has 'crashed' in the past, in fact when I first came on this case nine years ago she was in such a state and ended up in the hospital to facilitate stabilizing her.

Her family took her to the doctor that treats this particular disorder, and what they decided was to change the dosage of her medication and see if that would create the desired change rather than hospitalize her.

So, it's been a few days now.  I have been with her every day and of course am watching to see if there is a significant change to which she becomes calmer and more stable.


I am watching/observing myself, using breath, self-forgiveness/self-corrective application to direct myself in real time as points/patterns come up.




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Thursday, February 5, 2015

Day 593 - Another Change

                                                                                           Desteni Artists

I spend a good amount of time with my son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren.  Now, I had a pattern of micro-managing them with their parenting and parenting skills. 

Recently, while spending time with them I saw that I've changed.  First of all I would like to say that I wrote extensively about this pattern through the years.  Actually 'feeling' at one point that I would never transcend this point/pattern.  Yet, I didn't give up.  Every time I reacted in judgment within myself, every time I actually said something, I applied self-forgiveness through writing and sounding.

On many occasions, on my way to their home, I would speak self-corrective applications, so as to provide myself with a platform, rescripting myself so as to direct myself to change.

Well, recently while spending time with them, on several occasions actually, I noticed that those 'thoughts' would still come up, yet there was no longer energy attached and that I was able to breathe and let them go and just be present.

In fact on several occasions now, there would be a question formulating in my mind, where as I looked at it in that moment, I was able to tell myself 'that's really none of your business'.

So, what has happened is that my relationship with my daughter-in-law has changed where I actually just enjoy her, as she was always receiving the brunt of my judgment/criticism, and having released myself from that pattern, I find that I'm seeing/looking at her in a new 'light', so to speak.

My relationship with my son, actually, always remains the same, no matter what, as he is always constant within our relationship, and in fact, that is another blog, what I've actually learned from my son's natural expression of himself.

I've also been able to enjoy my grandchildren more, as I'm not looking to see if their 'appearance' is up to my 'standards'.

So, the point of this blog is to say - Don't Give Up!  Even with those points/patterns that seem the most insurmountable, as was the case with me and this pattern, I just never gave up, and yes it really took years to reach this 'new point' within my relationship with my family, with my relationship with myself, but in all actuality that change can occur within a breath.

Join Us at Desteni, check out the sites listed below, get involved, and become the change you wish to see in the world.  Because through the Desteni tools it will happen, no bells and whistles, just practical common sense creating a stable existence.

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Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Day 592 - And It Lingers On


I have been sick for over two weeks now with a virus.  The first week I could barely get out of bed and then when the second week rolled around, and I was still symptomatic, I found myself becoming angry and frustrated that I was still not feeling well.

I went investigating on EQAFE, and actually re-listened to:

https://eqafe.com/p/the-evolution-of-the-common-cold-2013-future-of-consciousness-part-44

"What is the relationship between the common cold and the body?
How can viruses now reach deeper dimensions in the body than ever before?
Why do viral infections will now last longer and be more difficult to heal?
Why does the experience of sickness become more extreme as we get older?"

I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND investing in this recording as it explains why colds and viruses have become more intense and more long-lasting, along with practical application.

So, upon listening to this recording and introspecting myself and what was coming up, first of all, I was having very strange, intense dreams which I am continuing to investigate.

When I became angry/frustrated, I was able to speak self-forgiveness within myself.

I finally went to the clinic yesterday, and was told that I have developed a sinus infection, yet my lungs are clear.  So, I was given a prescription for a nasal spray.  I have been using this since yesterday, and am starting to feel a little relief, yet I also can smell/taste the medication.

So, I will continue to introspect and open up/investigate what comes up.  I will continue to assist and support my body, as it is assisting and supporting me with this very virus that is targeting emotional weaknesses through memory.


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Saturday, January 17, 2015

Day 591 - Angry at My Own Fear


I recently woke up from a dream where the world was bracing for 'the end'.  In the dream, myself and family members were trying to find a safe place as the winds that were expected/anticipated were to be like nothing the modern world had known.

I woke up feeling agitated, tense, fearful.

Now, the interesting aspect of this is that I had recently become aware of the 'Organ Clock', through members in my group.  So, I looked to see what time it was.

It took me a bit to breathe and calm myself down and then go back to sleep.  Then the next morning I got on the internet and looked up the Organ Clock. 

"In Chinese Medicine, certain hours of the day correspond to certain organs in your body.  Following the natural rhythm of your own body enhances health; going against the natural rhythm of your own body may cause your health to decline.  If you are experiencing a symptom that seems to occur the same time each day, it may be linked to a specific imbalance in a particular Organ system."

According to the chart, the time that I woke up was when the liver was at its maximum strength and reading further the one emotion connected to this was 'anger'.

Now, I have had a main character of anger my whole life and walking my process I have been made aware of how I used anger to suppress fear.

 In looking at my dream and the feeling of fear, terror, hopelessness that accompanied it, and then looking at the chart, I had a realization.  I was/am angry at my own fear.  So I found the Organ Clock a very cool point of reference to continue to open up/investigate this point.


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